“Killian, I’ll be BACK!”……’Only in a Rerun’……

The famous exchange between Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Damon Killian (Richard Dawson) in RUNNING MAN a Tri Star Picture, 1987           

[Enjoy this encore presentation, or ‘rerun’ as it were, of a Chicago Jon movie review. Originally printed in June of 2017 at Drag Racing Online]
It was with ironic timing that I name-dropped Carlos Irwin Estevez last month, because this month we’re going to have some fun, turning the clock back not once but twice. My run at the venerable Phlegm Building began with doing reviews of car movies, and this month we shall review an old car movie done by everyones favorite Warlock, Charlie Sheen.(born Carlos Irwin) And ‘Warlock’ is rather appropriate as Charlie plays a, well I didn’t know WHAT a ‘wraith’ was (until I looked it up anyway) so lets tear into this 1986 supernatural thriller, THE WRAITH.

Done at what is safe to say, the turning point in young Charlies career, and I DO mean young – he looks like he’s fourteen in this deal. The film he was in prior to this, he was billed as ‘boy in police station’ (and Oscar SNUBBED him! Those Bastards!) But his next feature was PLATOON (four Oscars, $138 MILLION bucks at the box office, duh, WINNING!) SO, lets delve into The Wraith, shall we? Defined by Websters as an apparition of a person, seen just before or after his death, this was the next to last project for Buck Houghton, he of over a hundred episodes of The Twilight Zone. We open with a laughable special effects sequence, meant to be ‘cool and amazing’, but falling “short” on that one as some stars, or spirits or whatever come down from the sky and haul ass over a desert landscape. We are then treated to an innocent couple (complete in their ’80s acid-washed jeans) getting hustled out of their car by a gang of thugs. Much like in the 1982 cult classic/13-week bomb of a TV show, ‘Square Pegs’, we have every stereotype EVER under one tidy umbrella with this gang. Lets run down the checklist, shall we? The two mechanics (yep, none of the rest of these dopes actually WORK on their cars) are a couple tweekers, called Skank and Gutterboy. Gutter only talks in an over the top (and REALLY bad) imitation of Bobcat Goldwaith and Skank randomly nose-hits a can of “WD-20”. (kudo to the props department for going the extra mile, to ensure the project didn’t get sued) B-movie icon Clint Howard (yea, Opies little brother) turns in another workman-like performance as Rughead, the name based on his ridiculously bad toupee. And we have Oogie, he’s the first one to want to fight (and the first one to get killed) and also is the most famous looking one of the bunch. Regrettably, the famous one he looks like is the late Erin Moran (which would be fine, if you were a chick) and is also know for…having Ryan O’Neal for a Father. (which has proven to get you jobs, even if you can’t act…and trust me, he can’t) This bunch is lead by Packard Walsh, the A-typical ‘brooder/bully/uber-weenie’ and played by Nick Cassavettes. (John Cassavettes kid, noticing a pattern here?)  Also in the gang are two other dopes, the ‘smart guy’ (wears an accountants visor, has the Wall Street Journal tucked in his pocket) and the ‘jock guy’, wears a lettermans jacket, and drives a Trans Am. I’m not Gary Dyer, but if the blower on his TA is real, then I weigh 145 pounds.

Soon, into this sleepy little Arizona town we have the arrival of one Jake Kesey. (Sheen) It would have been ‘Tre-Hollywood’ to have him ride in on something bad ass, like a Harley, so they opted for a Honda dirt bike instead. Jake immediately draws the attention of Packard for talking with, and offering a ride to his girlfriend Keri (Sherilyn Fenn) Soon after, at the local lake Jake makes friends with Keris little brother Billy. The lake is just an excuse for us to see that Jake has MANY severe and brutal scars on his torso. Later, at the local drive in (every teenager movie has one, right?) where Keri and Billy conveniently work, we get our first glimpse of…The WRAITH! (bumm-Bummp-BAAHH!) Squealing up to the drive in, an all black Dodge M4S Turbo Interceptor slides to a stop and out steps a silent…uh, he looks like a helmeted, every piece of X-games body armor known to MAN, with body-brace dealies all over to boot. (think Tiny Tims leggings, only more) Well, of COURSE the gang challenges him to a pink slips type of race, with the previously mentioned Oogie stepping into the fray. The race, as it were, is vaguely reminiscent of the one Charlies Dad Martin Sheen had with Vic Morrow in the classic film CALIFORNIA KID. The deal concludes with the Hollywood classic ‘car explodes in a ball of fire for no reason whatsoever’ (stunt coordinator Buddy Joe Hooker CLEARLY packed a bleepload of TNT into the thing) we are treated to the first arriving Cop saying, and I’m NOT making this up, “Think he made it”?? 

Nope. The Cops, lead by not-yet-crazy Randy Quaid, are stunned by the fact that Oogie is NOT a french-fry but actually looks fine. Well, as fine as you can be, when you’re missing your eyeballs. Around this time, we start learning that Keris true love was murdered by, take a guess? Yep, Packard and his stooges, and they sliced him up like a kielbasa.  Remember Jake at the lake, with his many scars? Well, the director apparently didn’t give the audience much credit because this flashback will be replayed over, and over, and OVER throughout the rest of the movie. I mean JESUS, Jake is the Wraith, the re-incarnated boyfriend, back to bitch-slap these dopes we GET it, O.K.?? For Petes sake!! 

I want to step aside for a second and talk about homages and soundtracks. Granted, not as classic a tandem as beer and nachos, but germane to the film. This flick has one of the BEST soundtracks…you’ll never own. Oh, if your pockets are deep enough, and you want to punch up ‘long jungle rive’ dot-com and drop $185 BUCKS (not a typo) go right on ahead. With Robert Palmer, Ozzy Osbourne, Motley Crue and a young (but way talented) Doug Aldrich (Dio, Whitesnake, Dead Daisies) on board, this thing belongs on the Pat Capone Vinyl Vault radio show. And aside from the previously mentioned California Kid tribute, there are numerous tips of the hat to other films. There’s a bit with a shot of a ceiling fan, and your mind immediately has elder Sheens voice saying “Saigon”. And that drive in? Pretty much looking like Mels in American Graffiti, but later with the proper lighting (which a movie production can provide, duh) looks more like the finale of Close Encounters.   

The gang gets systematically eliminated, in a variety of cool explosions and crashes, and oh, the Dodge Interceptor blows up as well. But, since it’s a (say it like Chief Wiggum from The Simpsons) “GHOST Car”! it goes POOF, and becomes pristine again. Keri is stunned as the Turbo pulls up, and the ‘Armored Stranger’ steps out but he/it/whatever then morphs into Sheen, who delivers his ONLY ‘wise-ass Charlie’ line of the movie, that being “Whoa, I can’t do THAT again!” He tells Lori to pack light, because he’ll be right back. At the drive in, Sheen gives the sweet ride to Billy, and takes off on the dirt bike, where Billy has a ‘the kid in SHANE’ moment, wiling for Sheen to come back. (He’s the only character in  the movie to put together that he’s actually the murdered boyfriend)   

Jake/Wraith/Ghost/whatever picks up his woman, and they ride off into the night. A fun little piece of cinema that was dedicated to Bruce Ingram, a stuntman who died during production. I tell you, the body-braces thing puzzled me, perhaps early drafts of the script had the boyfriend only crippled, not murdered by the goons. Who knows, who cares, right? Flick is available on NETFLIX so grab some popcorn and a jug of Tiger-Blood, put your feet up and watch stuff BLOW up, because THAT, America is…WINNING!

Til next time, I AM Chicago Jon, C-Yaaa!